Part of blogging is a decision about how much you want to share, how much you want to open up. There is such a thing as too much information...it is all on the internet after all, not a private diary. That being said, I don't know about y'all, but I have always been so blessed when a blogger has chosen to share a story, a struggle, or a stirring in her heart that I too have experienced. It's nice to know we're not alone and that somewhere out there, someone's going through the exact same thing.
I've thought the above before, but I was reminded of it again when I read Jessi's beautiful and honest
post about her struggle in feeling freedom with her body image.
Because y'all - she wrote the words and thoughts and feelings in my heart.
I shared last summer about my weight gain during college and
here we are almost two semesters later and not much has changed. I haven't dropped the weight like I'd hoped and planned. My exercise plans fell to naught once the semester started because when you're tired and have tests and papers, excuses are so easy to make.
Like Jessi, I've felt freedom in so many other aspects of my life: freedom to pursue my passions and dreams, freedom with words and relationships as I pour out my heart through writing and try to love people as best I can. I've felt freedom in my fashion choices, freedom in changing my hair, wearing make-up, being in charge of my own schedule, freedom in managing my photography business and in creating art.
I've felt freedom in everything else except when it comes to my health and body. Because I don't like being in pictures any more, because I'm just a little too curvy (yes, there is such a thing), because I miss wearing certain clothes, because I walk around feeling trapped in a skin that doesn't feel like mine anymore. Because I miss feeling confident about how I look (and not just because of a stylish outfit or good hairstyle).
I've always said that things have to get to a certain point where you're so tired of them that you're willing to do what's necessary. For me, when I was in high school, I finally had enough - I was tired of being heavy and after a couple of years of my parents trying to encourage a healthier lifestyle, I made radical changes on my own. I started with baby steps, eating healthier and with smaller portions; I started walking everyday and built my endurance up to working out 6 days a week: running, step class, weights, yoga, Zumba. I became a Zumba instructor and a flexitarian (i.e. semi-vegetarian).
Part of me misses that Grace - the Grace who did what she had to, who had a passion for exercise and who stayed strong in order to become healthy. I haven't seen that Grace for a while...and that only contributes to current frustration. But I'm also a big believer that there's a season for everything. In high school I had the time and energy to work out so much - I know I could probably do that now, but things are a little different. I used to run all the time. Now, I crave yoga and dancing. I used to eat peanut butter and drink smoothies every. day. Now, I usually have eggs and fruit in the morning.
We change. People change. So if I spend my time beating myself up and trying to become the girl I was in high school, I'll only make myself miserable.
I have to decide what works for me right now in this stage of my life. And for me, that's eating more grilled chicken and broccoli in the dining halls, downloading a yoga postcast, not having a cookie every day, drinking more water each day, not snacking as much in the dorm.
It means listening to my body.
Because I might not love how it looks right now, but it's still my body. It's doing the best it can, so I need to start doing the best I can to take care of it. I'm ready to feel freedom in that area of my life again - so it's time to take those steps.
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